Having an exam or an exam having you?

Another anti-romantic comedy in three acts
ACT 1 – the build-up
We all know that “Exams” are knocking at the door! Now, that it’s almost February, that door is going to fling open. For us, it’s not the usual exam, that we kind of study the night before….

It’s the…

*drum roll*
That very “catchphrase” is enough to make us wet our pants!
The first thing that we all have to do before this time is to say goodbye to some people,
They are… Mr Inquisition and Mrs Logic!
The new people who barge in at our mindsville are Mr Mug and Mrs Tension!
The pile of notes take up the centre stage and the original textbooks slowly disappears down the Oblivion Street. Suggestions and test papers are a “must”; while the original textbooks must not be referred to as it almost becomes a taboo!
“You aren’t doing FRANK? Are you SERIOUS mate?”

Some kind of a glam quotient starts to develop,
The guy who buys shitloads of test papers is easily the wisest one! More than an examination, this time, becomes a test of survival for the students.
You’re not supposed to stay online during this time period, BUT! Your WhatsApp account must display….. Last Seen Yesterday 3:45! And BAAMMM!!! You have struck the bull’s eye!
I mean really! What is this? A Staying Awake contest?
The poor guy who sees his friend’s last scene the next morning is immediately treated to mental images of his friend CRACKING every undergraduate entrance exam!
Is it an examination or a COCONUT that we are supposed to crack it?

download (1)
Ask about me? I am not going crack any exam; I am going to explode ‘em! #thuglife
Once upon a time,
A bearded guy said
“All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,”
Now, if I am the hero of this comedy, there must be a villain, and he makes his/her entrance now!
He/She is…….
The nemesis of every of Indian Student.
They usually go by the names of
Sharma Ji, Subramaniam, Agarwal Ji, Chatterjee da and that unanimous aunty with better spying capabilities than James Bond!
They don’t give a f!$# if you are alive or dead,
They come before the exams and say
But, what they actually have in mind is this…

If you are a student like me, these words will make you do this….


ACT 2 –the day before
The day before the exams is like the final sequences of mission impossible movies.
You open the book and feel like Alice in Sorrowland, the book seems to be like in mint condition and has the smell of new newspapers. If you are unfortunately a science student, the books seem to be written in Hebrew, later you realise that they are just formulas!

math equation
The council could easily lower its load of making question papers and could give us to write all the formulas, Sim-“fail”!
As Morgan Freeman said,
“Prison time is slow time…”
The scenario is quite similar to us students, before exam day
We are sadly an optimistic breed, every now and then we tend to look at the watch to see how much we have been studying, but those stubborn hands won’t bloody move!

Everyone has that friend who calls to check up on you and rues about how much he has left!
You are left disaster struck would happily accept the contract to kill that guy or make him an offer he can’t refuse for you haven’t started yet!
The stubborn time passes in a negligent manner and goals of wrapping the syllabus shrinks rapidly!
Time is a crazy guy, he moves fast when don’t want him to!
ACT 3- that day!

It’s the dreaded exam day!
I always feel this awkward sense of humour during this time, I have done nothing! Why am I giving the exam?
The moment you reach exam hall, you see robots…with books…

People pouring over their books to cover every single letter in print. The feel is entirely different!
Guys and Gals sport additional makeup, some have a tilak while others have a stroke of yoghurt which they would happily lick off when no one’s looking!
Finally the exam starts and the moment you get that question paper, everything stops, it’s just numb everywhere!
The question paper seems like an evil Gandalf screaming at you
“You shall not pass!!”

But you manage to pass, don’t you?
Dodging the bullets like Neo from The Matrix!!

Outside the hall,
There is another scenario, all the wisecracks have gathered and answer discussions are in full swing,
“The answer is 257.90” says one…
The other one retorts
“No! It’s 257.91, it’s given in page number 131 paragraph numbers 2 and line number 36”
And I think
“How did I get a Math Error in my calculator?”
The guardians are like the passive jury in a hearing, whenever they come to know that their child has missed out on an answer, they come down crashing and interrogations begin!
While everyone else thinks about the next exam, people like me put on their headphones and listen to blaring music!




The V-12 Biturbo engine-ed Maybach Exerlero gracefully came to a stop.


The front door clicked and ‘He’ came out wearing a black tux, more black shades and blank grin. ‘He’ was absolutely as he had imagined, picture perfect! ‘He’ moved aside and opened the rear door to help ‘His’ mistress to land on the red carpet with obnoxiously large heels. Everything was done in an infinitesimally slow manner for the shutterbugs to capture them inhale fame and exhale attitude. Finally ‘He’ along with his added accessory were able to walk. Swarms of people were chanting ‘his’ name, he felt that ‘He’ had to oblige them. So, there ‘He’ went, to click images with protruded lips!

While signing a diary or two ‘He’ had to uselessly strike ‘His’ beard, run ‘His’ hand through ‘His’ hair and do a lot of “I have money things”. Journalists hovered around ‘him’ like bees to ask those same rotten questions, again and again, to which ‘He’ bippety boppity bo-ed!

Slowly but steadily ‘He’ and ‘Her’ made ‘Their’ way up to the main door and ‘He’ waved for the final time with an extravagant sense of royalty and disappeared inside, it seemed as if no one even knew what had happened!


The fans were busy tweeting, the cameramen were removing the bad ‘shots’ whilst eagerly waiting for the next celeb to arrive!

Curiously enough,

he also forgot ‘Him’, and didn’t care about where ‘He’ went next! , for he had to immediately turn the shower off and fumble out of the bathroom as his mother was screaming at him for taking too long to bathe!




Winter Evenings


romantic-evening-benches-bench-seat-winter-snowy-park-road-park-nature-beautiful-scene-landscape-lamppost-lamp-night-midnight-lights-mood-a-romantic-evening-benches-bench-seats-winter-snow-park-road-pYes, Yes!! I know what you are thinking. On reading about the so-called WINTER EVENINGS, all kinds of warm and cozy images starts to fill that little head of yours! But, let me tell you, it’s not pleasurable for me at all! Don’t worry I will tell you why!
There used to be a time when I had life in me. Oh! I miss those days. And that due to some stupid thing, which makes a lot of noise and causes a lot of pain. It metamorphosed me into what I am today. I literally don’t have any “say” now. I don’t know what spell that cruel thing cast on me, which changed my appearance and function forever. It is quite evident that I hate myself the way it is. To add to my troubles, the seasonal changes affect me badly now. I could adapt back then, but now I am lifeless indeed. Winter, amongst, all seasons are the worst, especially the evenings.
To start with, there is no one to accompany me. I sit all by myself, naked in this chilly atmosphere. One might wonder that I’d fall sick, but I don’t! To see everyone all covered up and enjoying the ambience is really depressing, I would also like a steaming cup of cappuccino while talking with my beloved. People enjoy the occasional spells of snow as it makes them playful, but for me, it’s not so good. The snow makes me slippery and no one then comes near me as I have a February face. But I do feel the sharp pangs of winter, it shrinks and warps me. Yet no one offers me a helping hand. I shout amidst the cold breeze, sadly, no one lends me an ear. My tears have dried up due to this dull weather, even if I cried, no one would notice me as it is dark, dark all around.
Far, far away I see those glistening arrays of light whisk up and down the frosty lanes. O! If I were amongst them!
I thank you, stranger, my listener, my observer whatever you are, and I thank you! For “standing by” me and not “sitting on” me.
-A “park-ED” Bench.

Too much philosophy is bad for health!

He didn’t even bother to look both ways, such hurry! He slammed the door shut and entered the premises of his English class. It was speaking day! And he didn’t even get the time to prepare his speech; he was thirty minutes late for god sakes! To add to his troubles… he was up next to speak! Fumbling and skidding through the surface, he got on to the podium and said….

“ahhh….hmmm…..I…..ah….am so sorry for being late…actually… I ah…..”

“Come on Soumya say something…….” yelled his teacher with a glare in her eye.

“Sorry maam… I am trying”

With much difficulty and hesitation he began to speak with trembling lips and limbs….

“He almost slipped on stepping on to a banana peel, somehow he pulled himself up and ran towards the train, somehow he got into a bogey and wanted to pump his fist in the air, but on realising that many passengers were also present, he discarded the idea. Thankfully, he had got a golden opportunity to grab the widow seat. On noticing, he realised that that many people weren’t actually there. There was this couple, who sat in corner making a closet of their own, doing all the lovey dovey things publicly possible. An old man was dozing opposite to them; he appeared to be absolutely aloof to whatever was happening around him (nothing was, actually). And the train left konnagar station! No wonder it was a Sunday!

The bogey was surprisingly empty, Hind motor arrived within no time and was left behind as well. Uttarpara gave way to a young man most probably aspiring to be an athlete to join our little group.

Nothing happened at Bally either.

While our sportsman was busy tying the lace of his “abidas” studs and the couple busy in feeding each other peanuts which they had brought from a hawker, our nonchalant old guy must have heard some supernatural announcement that his destination, Belur was arriving. Like a robot he got off from his seat and boarded the train down just as it stopped while fixing his shades. Some acquired reflexes that! I have seen many people do that, from being lost in the eternal world of sleep to springing into life just when the station arrives! Damn! I find it astonishing. He must be paying his weekly visit to Belur Math, i thought.

Our athlete has just now taken out a small red plastic container wrapped with many a rubber band and is very carefully disposing some brown granules into his palm only to rub it vigorously for some reason and consume it a most unlikely manner. My pack of blue cheetos is way better i thought and looked away! A little unrest caught my eye…Oh our couple were preparing to leave us in Liluah. And with the least haste they too got off the train while holding their hands, and i be like, some stamina that!

That left me with the sportsman, who now by the way, was engrossed in candycrush!

Slowly but least steadily did Howrah arrive and my sole companion also left. I was left wandering about the numerous possibilities of who these people might or might not have been. This sporty guy who just left could might as well be famous some day. Our old man might have been a great soldier in his day, going by his stout stature and is only in the lookout for peace nowadays. The in-love couple might get divorced some day. Who knows? What life has in store for us?

T.S Elliot was so true. Destination and destiny are so different!(To The Indian who died in Africa)

Suddenly i remembered so it was for my case!! As everything appeared very still, i decided to take a look outside, something read HOWRAH, i knew that didn’t I? But the funny thing is my DESTINATION was not supposed to be here, and….

Nothing happened at Bally either- should not have happened!

As my tuition is at Bally!

And there i was , at my destiny…eh? is it the right way to put it.

I don’t care….as i did manage scamper from howrah to bally at tremendous haste only to give this nonsense of a speech to you all….”

The entire batch roared with laughter at my silly speech, even my teacher was in splits at my silliness..

“The best excuse i have ever heard Soumya!!!….” she added and after a brief pause added the words

“……Somehow” and winked at me.

Thank you for enduring through this! the next one will be better, i promise! Whatever,

please let me know that how bad it is filling the comments section below!

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